Admittedly, before I started to write today, I had no idea what I was going to write about.
Like a flashlight that leads a path, it became clear.
I looked to my left and looked to my right and on my right, I saw someone at the coffee shop take out his frustration on the cashier for a wrong coffee. He yelled, screamed and swore at the cashier.
It got me wondering if I have ever done this or have had it done to me.
Have I ever been the guy who screamed at another?
Have I ever been the guy who yelled at another?
Have I ever been the guy who swore at another?
Have I ever been the guy on the receiving end of any of these?
Sadly, the answer is yes.
Many years ago, I can recount numerous instances where I was unable to hold my cool.
I’ll be straight with you, when I was a teenager, I was quick tempered and even quicker to lash out. I would “go off” as quick as a firecracker on a holiday.
There is an amazing quote by Ambrose Bierce that states:
“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”
Now, I ask you the same 4 questions:
- Have YOU ever been the guy who screamed at another?
- Have YOU ever been the guy who yelled at another?
- Have YOU ever been the guy who swore at another?
- Have YOU ever been on the receiving end of any of these?
I firmly believe that we all have.
Begs the question: Why?
- Hurt people, hurt people.
According to mysocalledchaos.com: “Often times when you find yourself lashing out at others, it’s because you’re fighting against your natural feelings of hurt and pain.”
I cannot speak from a woman’s point-of-view, but coming from a man’s point-of-view, it is widely considered inappropriate for a man to show/express his feelings. Men are thought to be a stone-faced, pillar of strength, who never show when they are sad, angry, frustrated or any other type of negative emotion.
In talking with my wife, she reminds me that it is much the same for women. Women are thought to be the glue that holds a family together. They are thought to be the one’s that should be leaned on when there are problems. They do not have the time to show emotion.
The issue with both of these is that neither of them allows you to do what you need to do. Neither of them allows you to take a moment for yourself to let you address the underlying problems. Neither of them allows time for healing.
- Hurt people see themselves as the victim
According to josephmattera.org, hurt people have a hard time “entering into a trusting relationship” and they are often suspicious of others.
Because hurt people have been poorly treated in their past, they often carry this feeling and reciprocate it towards someone else.
We have all heard “The Golden Rule” at points in our lives.
“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”
For this reason alone, can we blame them for their actions?
I say no.
What we need to do is help them.
- Hurting people have the tendency to keep themselves separate from everyone else.
Often when we hurt the most is the time when we need the most help. Hurt people typically disassociate themselves from society and push all those would like to help away.
This is a dangerous paradox and one that often leads to hatred, bitterness and anger.
The following 3 suggestions are considered to be among the best methods to cope with anger:
- Find an outlet. This could be something as simple as logging a journal. Get your/their feelings out.
- Talk to someone. You will find that most often, hurt people do not want your help. Don’t let that sway your intent. There is an amazing set of lyrics by one of my favorite bands, Our Lady Peace that says:
“I’m drowning inside your head
Help me to answer
Why it’s been so long since we talked like friends…
…Are you sad?
Are you holding yourself?
Are you locked in your room?
You shouldn’t be..”
Don’t be afraid to push back when they push you away.
Don’t push away when someone is trying to help you.
- Find something that relaxes and unwinds you/them. If it is reading, do it. If it is watching television, do it. If it is stepping away from the situation, do it.
Once settled, find help/help them through the pain. Reaffirm that it WILL be alright and your help/you are NOT going anywhere.
Remind them that what they are doing is hurtful to you.
Remind yourself that what you are doing is hurtful to them.
Remember this: To help each other out is one of the greatest gifts we can give.
Take care of each other.
Cheers to your success,